Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Cravings

I've spoken here recently about the turn of events within our relationship.  I'm still sorting through feeling leftover for the betrayal and hurt that Clyde caused. Things have been fine between us. I have no doubt that we will make it through this but I'd be lying if I said there isn't something missing.

I am no longer submissive to him. I just can't get back into that headspace. I feel the need to protect my heart and cannot fully let my guard down. I fear I will always be waiting for it to happen again. I'm having a very hard time trusting the things he tells me. For the record, he did not cheat on me. Not physically anyway. But he did totally blindside me with his behavior. It was very unexpected and came at a time when things were better than they have ever been between us.

But I still have cravings and desires.  Our lives have returned to a very vanilla existence and while it's safe, it is by no  means full filling.  I miss it. I miss the way it made me feel. And I'm angry at him for taking that away from me. Being submissive to him was something I cherished far more that he did but it made me feel more alive than I have ever felt. I truly loved that side of myself and now it's locked away in a box and I'm not sure where the key is. I hate that I have built up resentment toward him for what he's done.

I want to get past this hurdle. He wants that too. He has apologized profusely for his actions and he is working to make things better. We both want to get back to where we were but we have lost the way.

Trust plays a huge part in ttwd and without it, I believe, it cannot exist. How do we get it back? How do I get past this? How do I put my heart in his hands again and begin to feel secure in our relationship again?

I know no body can answer those questions for me and most would say it just takes time.

So then how do I stop the cravings that are tearing me apart?

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