Thursday, May 28, 2015

I got punished

So I did something really stupid. I was feeling a bit rebellious and didn't consider clydes feelings about it. I just did what I wanted to do and that may have came off a little disrespectful toward him. OK it definitely was disrespectful and now I'm a little embarrassed that I did it. This took place a couple of weeks ago but he just found out about it yesterday.

When I came home, he sat me down and talked to me about it very calmly and let me know how I made him feel but I could tell anger was bubbling inside him. I apologized but I admit I wasn't very sincere about it and kind of brushed it off. Well he ended the conversation with a very firm statement that I will be punished for it. Huh? Excuse me? We don't do that.

Well apparently we do. After the kids had all gone upstairs to bed, he came in the room and locked the door behind him. He picked up the belt and motioned for me to get into position. I really didn't know what to expect and he didn't take it easy on me. Of course I could have said no but I think I needed it. He didn't just spank me though. In between blows, he spoke to me. He told me how I made him feel and not to forget who I belong to. He asked me if I still cared about our relationship and if I wanted to make it work. And everytime he spanked me I tried to come up and he would firmly place his hand on my back and push me back into position.

When he was done, we hugged it out while he stroked my bottom and declared his love to me in a soft voice by my ear.

I melted and I felt terrible for what I had done. He said he forgave me and that now we can move on from this. When he said those words to me in that setting it was so much more effective.

This was the first bit of dominance he has shown me in months. Well that's not true,  it's just the first bit that I have submitted to. And truth be told, I needed it and I deserved it. I think he did too. Maybe we have turned a corner, I don't know, too soon to tell but I do know I learned my lesson and won't be doing that again.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015


I've spoken here recently about the turn of events within our relationship.  I'm still sorting through feeling leftover for the betrayal and hurt that Clyde caused. Things have been fine between us. I have no doubt that we will make it through this but I'd be lying if I said there isn't something missing.

I am no longer submissive to him. I just can't get back into that headspace. I feel the need to protect my heart and cannot fully let my guard down. I fear I will always be waiting for it to happen again. I'm having a very hard time trusting the things he tells me. For the record, he did not cheat on me. Not physically anyway. But he did totally blindside me with his behavior. It was very unexpected and came at a time when things were better than they have ever been between us.

But I still have cravings and desires.  Our lives have returned to a very vanilla existence and while it's safe, it is by no  means full filling.  I miss it. I miss the way it made me feel. And I'm angry at him for taking that away from me. Being submissive to him was something I cherished far more that he did but it made me feel more alive than I have ever felt. I truly loved that side of myself and now it's locked away in a box and I'm not sure where the key is. I hate that I have built up resentment toward him for what he's done.

I want to get past this hurdle. He wants that too. He has apologized profusely for his actions and he is working to make things better. We both want to get back to where we were but we have lost the way.

Trust plays a huge part in ttwd and without it, I believe, it cannot exist. How do we get it back? How do I get past this? How do I put my heart in his hands again and begin to feel secure in our relationship again?

I know no body can answer those questions for me and most would say it just takes time.

So then how do I stop the cravings that are tearing me apart?

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Embarrassing moments

Today I had some alone time and felt the need to service myself. (Yes I know, shocker) So when I was done I went into the bathroom to clean up. I cleaned my rabbit and laid it on the counter to wash my hands.  Well I must have gotten distracted. Soon after I left to pickup the kiddos from school, a light bulb went off. I realized I had left it on the counter in the bathroom. No big deal. I'll just put it away when I get home. But of course when I get home, my teenager goes straight into the bathroom before I can.

I swear I had a mini panic attack. I hear her yell "eew Moooom"!

I wait patiently.

The door opens and she says to me, "Did you forget something in here?"

I say nothing as I slip past her and pick it up and walk to my room. She gives me a very disapproving look of disgust.

Seconds later I hear her enter her room and tell her twin "Mom left one of her sex toys in the bathroom."

Luckily I didn't hear her sisters response. Ugh..... fml.  Kill me now.

I can't help but to think..... one day she'll understand.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Hello old friends

 I feel like it's been a while since we talked. All right I know I have been neglecting this blog as well as catching up on what's going on in everyone else's lives but I'm going to put in a stong effort to be around more. You know how it is, life just gets in the way. Plus, I think I lost my inspiration for a bit.

Things have been going well here lately.  Clyde and i are growing more in love each day. I know how cheesy that sounds but it's true. Having something almost tear us apart has brought us closer in the end. There were definite idiosyncrasies that led to the breakdown. We are learning about each other and how to deal in a whole new way. We've not always been great at communiting and seeing things from the others perspective but again, it's something we are working on.

Having taken my submission off the table made both Clyde and I realize how much a part of us ttwd had become. Everything changed. And we want it back.

We started again on a trial basis to see where it goes. So far things have been great. Clyde is stepping into his role again quite nicely and even more consistent than ever before. I on the other hand have been struggling. I'm having such a hard time getting back into that mindset. I think for me, the hardest part is that I just don't trust him completely so I'm afraid to give myself over to him again. I feel the need to protect my heart.

For his part he has been very patent with me and listened and he's even learning to take my unspoken ques. He's been very creative in finding ways around the roadblocks that I am putting up. For instance, maintenance has never really been a part of ttwd, now I receive it on a weekly basis. There are other rituals he has instated to keep me feeling and thinking like a submissive again.

Its been a tough time for both of us but we know that we both want/need ttwd. It has forged a bond and given us a sense of belonging that has always been the but now it's even stronger than ever.

So to sum up what I feel I've rambling about but not sure I'm explaining myself properly..... we are doing good and back to having some naughty fun again.

Happy spanking my friends.

Friday, November 14, 2014


I've been trying to write this post for quite some time. It's funny, I never have a problem writing about the fun, kinky, sexy stuff that happens in my life but I have a hard time getting out the real emotional stuff. So please bear with me as I pour my heart out on this page.

Clyde did something incredibly stupid. Something that broke my heart and my trust. It wasn't even two weeks after he collared me and I was blind sided and completely betrayed. I never would have expected this from him. At least not when things were so good between us. Things were better then they have ever been. I just can't wrap my head around it and I may never understand why he did it.

I did everything for him. He was my king. I gave him everything I have. All of me. I truly did everything I could to make him happy. And it wasn't enough.

That's what I keep coming back to. It wasn't enough.

We've been trying to work through this. He's trying to make things right and I'm trying to forgive him. But there's no denying that things are different. I feel different.  What he did has changed me. The image of what we have built has been shattered. I feel like he has ruined everything.

He wants it all back. He wants my submission again. I can't give it to him right now. One thing I've learned is that my submission was given freely to him. In the beginning, probably even forced upon him. He didn't earn it and because of that, it wasn't appreciated.  It was taken for granted. They say you don't know what you've got till its gone. He now realizes what a gift it was.

I want to give him my heart again but I can't forget the pain he caused when he had it. My head and my heart are at war with each other. My heart tells me he's sorry and he won't do it again. He loves me to much to ever risk loosing me again. But my head is telling me to protect myself from feeling this way ever again. What's the point of giving myself to him again. If it wasn't enough before, it never will be.

I Thought About leaving. I cant, I won't.  A very good friend of mine told me, I made the decision to stay and I have to own it and really work on putting things back together. I'm trying, I really am. We've got a long road ahead of us.

I've discovered that sometimes good things can come from bad. Lessons have been learned. While I would never condone what he did and I hope like hell it never happens again, something kind of wonderful has come from it. An understanding and a complete turnaround. We already knew we were perfect for each other but having recent events come to light has reinforced our bond and appreciation for what we have built together.

I don't know where we go from here. I feel completely lost and broken.

We are broken but not beyond repair.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Love my lurkers


So I feel like I'm a little late jumping on this band wagon but I do have to say that I love my lurkers (and non lurkers). Today is the day to come out and say hi. Don't be shy. I don't bite, I promise. Unless you like that sort of thing.  ;-)

Here's the thing, we all started out as lurkers at one point. Afraid to comment for risk of saying something stupid or having nothing of substance to contribute to the topic but I can assure you, your comment will be appreciated. This little blogging community is the most accepting group of people I have ever come across. So please don't hesitate and let me know you were here. I have been struggling a bit as of late and could use some encouragement. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Monday, October 6, 2014

Reasons why I love him

Clyde truly is a wonderful man and there are easily a million reasons why I love him. So I'm going to take the time to write some of them down for him to read and also for myself for those times he's driving me crazy and I need a reminder.

He loves me. No, he really loves me, with every fiber of his being. He tells me AND he shows me. Clyde is never one to shy away from affection. We are that couple that you might see at the grocery store, on the bread aisle, in a tight embrace with his hand squeezing my ass. Clyde will never leave me without a goodbye kiss, no matter who is around. He's not afraid to show the world that I am his woman and he leaves no doubt in my mind how he feels about me.

He's very spontaneous. I never know what to expect from him. I like to have a plan and stick to the plan. I'm very structured and sometimes that can be a bit boring. I love that he balances me out. Clyde can say "Let's go camping" and within an hour, we are at the lake picking a campsite. He keeps our life together exciting.

He can be such a little boy. There's a side to him that never quite grew up. He likes to make sound effects when stopping or making a turn.  He still plays with his big boy toys. He likes to go 4-wheeling, ride his motorcycle and shoot guns. Recently he hung himself from a harness attached to a remote operated crane and swung himself around. I consider his boyish side just part of his charm.

He is a great provider. He works hard for our family and he has allowed me spend several years at home to take care of our daughters. Our little family has benefited greatly from it and I will always be grateful to him for this time to focus solely on our home life.

He is so much fun to be with. He has taken me horseback riding, in hot air balloons, ocean kayaking and countless other adventures from driving across the desert to Las Vegas to visiting another country for a late honeymoon. Other times he builds a fire in the backyard and we sit around drinking and talking and sometimes while listening to music we will slow dance in the moonlight. No matter what we do, he makes it fun and memorable.

He just wants to be around me. He spends all his free time with me. Theres never a time that he just wants to be alone or spend time with the boys without me. He includes me in everything he does. He even likes to go shopping with me to help pick out clothes. There's nothing he won't do just to spend time with me and we do it all together.

And last but not least....

He is a great father to our girls. He has achieved a great balance of being the strict disciplinarian and the loving daddy that they need. He helps them with homework, he spends time with them, he listens to them and he gives them guidance with out ever being too tough on them. And he sets the perfect example of how a man should treat a woman. Just the other day my oldest daughter told me someday she hopes to find a man just like her daddy. I hope she does too.

I love you Clyde, more than you I could ever know.

What does your man/woman do that makes you love them so much?

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