Monday, August 5, 2013

When the kids are away, the parents will play

So my kids went to Grandma and Grandpas for the weekend.... A welcome break. I thought it would be a good time to talk to Clyde about some of the things that had been bothering me. Things didn't go as smoothly as I would have liked. We fought. We weren't understanding each other. We both may have said some hurtful things. Finally Clyde had had enough and decided to put an end to the nonsense.

He spanked me. 

With a belt.


I find that when I really feel like I need it and I'm a little angry, I have a much higher pain tolerance. So the spanking went on for a while.

He talked during this spanking which he doesn't normally do. He made me admit that I belong to him and told me not to doubt our relationship anymore. When he has a belt in his hand, his words are so much more effective. 

Not surprisingly, we both felt so much better after the spanking that we had another way of reconnecting. ;)

The next day we took a road trip to a neighboring state and visited a casino. We had so much fun. I even doubled my money on the roulette table! We danced at the club there and when we finally had enough for one day we went to the hotel and rested. We were pretty tired that night but the next morning I got another spanking. The walls of the hotel were thin and I'm sure someone had to have heard.

We left the hotel and drove 30 mins away to a beautiful waterfall that I have always wanted to visit. We hiked and swam and even walked through the ruins of an old castle built there in the early 1900s.

On the way back home I made a pit stop at an adult store and bought some new toys (that I will tell y'all about in my next post) with my winnings!

It was one of those perfect weekends. 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Guilt and self loathing

WARNING this post is a bunch of late night rambling that won't brighten your day. Proceed with caution or move on to happier blogs.

Its late at night and I can't sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I thought I should write them down and get them out.

I don't know what is going on with me but my spirit just took a nose dive. Seriously, a crash landing. I loved myself a week ago. Now I'm full of self loathing.

Why? You may ask....

Here's the list:

I feel extremely guilty for not having a job. I haven't had a job for many, many years. I worked at a few places over the years at Christmas time or just when we needed financial help. I'm 32 years old and have never had a full time job. How sad is that? I want one but I had kids young and never had the chance to go to college. I had big dreams of being a teacher and an athletic coach. That didn't happen. Now I feel inadequate. I don't even know where to begin.

We haven't had much play time. Because of that my sex drive is diminishing.  I'm finding out that I'm the kind of girl who need constant reassurances and ego stroking to keep the fire going. I don't want to be that girl.

I've gained about 10 lbs. over the last few months and I feel so fat and ugly. That may not sound like much but I'm not a big girl and it shows. I also feel like this is part of the reason why Clyde is "too tired". Probably not but it feels like rejection.

I have a ton of mom guilt. Its summertime and my kids are driving me crazy. I shouldn't feel like this. I know my children are a gift and I love them more than life itself. But I am tired of being a referee between my twins and my youngest. Its too hot here to go out and do much so we stay home a lot and I feel guilty that we are wasting their summer.

From time to time I have doubts about my marriage. Did we marry too young? Am I the right woman for him?  Is he the right man for me? Are we together for the right reasons? Am I making him into someone he's not?  Why would he want to be with me?

I think my blog sucks. I love writing and meeting people in blogland has been such an eye opener. I really like blogging but again I feel inadequate. There are some really smart, funny, loving people here and I feel like I'm on the outside trying to push my way in. Why would anyone want to read about my life. I'm really not that interesting.

I absolutely HATE feeling like this. I'm not this girl. Usually I have a smile on my face and can find a silver lining in any cloud.

Gosh, I even feel guilty for writing this.  What is wrong with me?

I haven't talked to anyone about the way I've been feeling. I just keep it to myself. Why bother anyone else with things I need to fix about myself?

Do you know what I feel like I need? A good spanking, a lecture and a plan of action...... OR maybe just some love and understanding.

If only I could give those to myself....

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A lull and a party

I'm in a bit of a lull. I'm not sure what's going on with me. I haven't felt very submissive lately and I haven't felt Clyde's dominance either. I have been grouchy and at times very snippy.

He has been working his ass off in this summer heat. I have always appreciated how hard he works. He's always hustlin. He has the ability to make money out of thin air. I don't know how he does it but because of that, he has been really tired and not had much energy for playing. Of course I have received some spankings and good sex but it feels forced and I haven't been able to let go during the spankings. The release is not there.

I feel kind of lost right now. I mean, I love ttwd and I love the changes I see in our relationship but it feels like all that has disappeared. I have tried to remain submissive and feed his dominance but it feels like rejection when he is too tired.

I know I shouldn't complain. He will read this and wonder what else he has to do to make me happy. I know he tries to give me what I want and he does makes me happy.

I realize now that ttwd takes a lot of work from both sides. I worry if we don't get back on track it will all slip away and return to the way things were. I feel like he might want that because I was a lot less work for him. I just floated through the days feeling like there's got to be MORE while he was happy as a clam. Oblivious to it all.

I love ttwd, I just want him to love it as much as I do. Maybe I'm asking to much from him.

My hope is that things will return to normal again soon.

And because I don't want to end this on a sour note, I will tell y'all about some fun we had recently.

Last weekend Clyde and I went to a friends house for a party. We had a great time. It was a 70s party and everyone dressed up. I went as a hippie with my bell bottoms and tie die halter. Clyde was the hit of the party though. He and brother-in-law went as cheech and chong. They played off of each other well and kept everyone entertained the whole night. Clyde was Tommy Chong  complete with a HUGE joint. lol We had so much fun dancing and drinking the night away.

When we got home, he left the beard and wig on and I got some strange :)

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Kittys hungry

Sometimes I feel
She can't be tamed
A mind of her own

She's a part of me
that I can't ignore.
She clenches and tingles.
And yearns for release.

He's not always there.
What's a girl to do?

I'm on fire
Burning with desire
Kitty's hungry

He's asleep next to me
What's a girl to do?

My hand travels down
An oasis has been found
My mind drift to times of the past
I can feel it now

Its building
I'm quiet
I pinch my nipple
It sets me off

Kitty purrs
Kitty relaxes
Kittys happy

For now...

Monday, July 22, 2013


Do you remember the kink list?

Well if not, its a list I put together for myself of my kinky desires. Kind of a sexual bucket list. I showed it to Clyde and he liked my little list. Slowly we have crossed some off and then I may have added some more. Lol

Well one of the items on my list was a threesome with another woman. He knows I've always had a thing for pretty ladies and we have on occasion done a soft swap (anything but intercourse) with other couples. We've been to strip clubs (the classy kind, you know, totally nude and byob j/k)and had great times. I'm not generally a jealous person. If a beautiful woman walks by with a nice ass, I will even point it out to him and vice versa.

But just today I was texting with him while he was at work.  I told him I really appreciate him being so open to the things I want. I also said that I didn't want it to be all about me and was he getting everything he needed out of ttwd. He assured me he was and that seeing me happy was all he needed. I know, very sweet right. But as the conversation continued he brought up having another woman join us.

Actually what he said was that he would like to see me with another woman.
I didn't read it that way. All I saw was that he wanted another woman. I couldn't believe how jealous I became.

 After a long conversation about how some fantasies should not come true, he reminded me that it was on my kink list.

Its true. Its there on my list but after my reaction today, I don't think I'm ready to share.
Maybe he could just watch ;)

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Change is good

I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the was ttwd had changed our marriage. For me this has breathed new life into our relationship. We play more often. We laugh more often. Intimacy has been restored. We love deeper.  For the first time in years we are both making a great effort to show each other how we feel.

I hope that Clyde is seeing these benefits as much as I am.

Clyde has slid into his role quite nicely. I had this image in my head of what type of dominant I wanted him to be but I'm finding out that I love the dominant he is more than my fantasy. He has stepped up in a big way lately. He's indulging in my masochistic desires with me and I have the bruises to prove it.  He did leave one rather deep bruise on my hip that he has been concerned about. Its very sweet the way he becomes tender when he asks me about it. He checks on it. I have reassured him that bruises aren't a big deal for me. I expect them to happen from time to time. I feel proud to wear his mark.

He's also done a great job keeping my emotions in check lately.  There was something that happened the other day that made me jealous. He was very quick to put a stop to it and he's been very attentive to me. He's been doing many things that will make me smile to myself. I don't even think he realizes how dominant he has become. Yesterday after I stepped out of the shower,freshly shaved mind you, he had me stand still while he inspected me. This is new. I love when I see growth in him. He has changed so much for me. He has stepped out of his comfort zone and given me so many new experiences. For this I will always be grateful.

This has in turn fed my submissive side. I have never felt this way. I feels more connected to him than ever before.

He makes me a happy woman.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Do you believe in signs?

I do.

Two years ago we were at the beach with our daughters when rocks started washing up at our feet with inspirational words written on them.  We collected about 6 rocks that day. I put them in my red mesh bag that I always use for the beach.

Yesterday as I was packing our bag for the beach, you know towels, sunscreen, toys etc. One of the twins asked for a hair brush that I had packed. I dug down to the bottom and felt one of those rocks. I picked it out and turned it to face me.

It had the word "submissive" written on it.

Now this one word meant a whole lot more to me today than it did 2years ago. I was dumbfounded and sat on the bed  thinking about what this meant.

Now I'm not a religious person. Nothing wrong with it but its just not how I was raised. But holding this rock felt like some higher power telling me I'm on the right path. Validation. I mean it was the only rock still there from the 6 we collected.

This trip to our favorite beach town has been wonderful. We have had some great family bonding moments with our girls and I have taken so many pics I would love to share with y'all.

Tomorrow is a celebration day here in the US. Usually filled with food ,family, lots of alcohol and fireworks. My family and I will be spending the day on the beach followed by a parade and fireworks. I can't wait!

I hope that y'all stay safe and party responsibly.

There's some idiots out there. Lol

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