Friday, November 14, 2014

Broken

I've been trying to write this post for quite some time. It's funny, I never have a problem writing about the fun, kinky, sexy stuff that happens in my life but I have a hard time getting out the real emotional stuff. So please bear with me as I pour my heart out on this page.

Clyde did something incredibly stupid. Something that broke my heart and my trust. It wasn't even two weeks after he collared me and I was blind sided and completely betrayed. I never would have expected this from him. At least not when things were so good between us. Things were better then they have ever been. I just can't wrap my head around it and I may never understand why he did it.

I did everything for him. He was my king. I gave him everything I have. All of me. I truly did everything I could to make him happy. And it wasn't enough.

That's what I keep coming back to. It wasn't enough.

We've been trying to work through this. He's trying to make things right and I'm trying to forgive him. But there's no denying that things are different. I feel different.  What he did has changed me. The image of what we have built has been shattered. I feel like he has ruined everything.

He wants it all back. He wants my submission again. I can't give it to him right now. One thing I've learned is that my submission was given freely to him. In the beginning, probably even forced upon him. He didn't earn it and because of that, it wasn't appreciated.  It was taken for granted. They say you don't know what you've got till its gone. He now realizes what a gift it was.

I want to give him my heart again but I can't forget the pain he caused when he had it. My head and my heart are at war with each other. My heart tells me he's sorry and he won't do it again. He loves me to much to ever risk loosing me again. But my head is telling me to protect myself from feeling this way ever again. What's the point of giving myself to him again. If it wasn't enough before, it never will be.

I Thought About leaving. I cant, I won't.  A very good friend of mine told me, I made the decision to stay and I have to own it and really work on putting things back together. I'm trying, I really am. We've got a long road ahead of us.

I've discovered that sometimes good things can come from bad. Lessons have been learned. While I would never condone what he did and I hope like hell it never happens again, something kind of wonderful has come from it. An understanding and a complete turnaround. We already knew we were perfect for each other but having recent events come to light has reinforced our bond and appreciation for what we have built together.

I don't know where we go from here. I feel completely lost and broken.

We are broken but not beyond repair.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Love my lurkers

                                   

So I feel like I'm a little late jumping on this band wagon but I do have to say that I love my lurkers (and non lurkers). Today is the day to come out and say hi. Don't be shy. I don't bite, I promise. Unless you like that sort of thing.  ;-)

Here's the thing, we all started out as lurkers at one point. Afraid to comment for risk of saying something stupid or having nothing of substance to contribute to the topic but I can assure you, your comment will be appreciated. This little blogging community is the most accepting group of people I have ever come across. So please don't hesitate and let me know you were here. I have been struggling a bit as of late and could use some encouragement. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Monday, October 6, 2014

Reasons why I love him





Clyde truly is a wonderful man and there are easily a million reasons why I love him. So I'm going to take the time to write some of them down for him to read and also for myself for those times he's driving me crazy and I need a reminder.

He loves me. No, he really loves me, with every fiber of his being. He tells me AND he shows me. Clyde is never one to shy away from affection. We are that couple that you might see at the grocery store, on the bread aisle, in a tight embrace with his hand squeezing my ass. Clyde will never leave me without a goodbye kiss, no matter who is around. He's not afraid to show the world that I am his woman and he leaves no doubt in my mind how he feels about me.

He's very spontaneous. I never know what to expect from him. I like to have a plan and stick to the plan. I'm very structured and sometimes that can be a bit boring. I love that he balances me out. Clyde can say "Let's go camping" and within an hour, we are at the lake picking a campsite. He keeps our life together exciting.

He can be such a little boy. There's a side to him that never quite grew up. He likes to make sound effects when stopping or making a turn.  He still plays with his big boy toys. He likes to go 4-wheeling, ride his motorcycle and shoot guns. Recently he hung himself from a harness attached to a remote operated crane and swung himself around. I consider his boyish side just part of his charm.

He is a great provider. He works hard for our family and he has allowed me spend several years at home to take care of our daughters. Our little family has benefited greatly from it and I will always be grateful to him for this time to focus solely on our home life.

He is so much fun to be with. He has taken me horseback riding, in hot air balloons, ocean kayaking and countless other adventures from driving across the desert to Las Vegas to visiting another country for a late honeymoon. Other times he builds a fire in the backyard and we sit around drinking and talking and sometimes while listening to music we will slow dance in the moonlight. No matter what we do, he makes it fun and memorable.

He just wants to be around me. He spends all his free time with me. Theres never a time that he just wants to be alone or spend time with the boys without me. He includes me in everything he does. He even likes to go shopping with me to help pick out clothes. There's nothing he won't do just to spend time with me and we do it all together.

And last but not least....

He is a great father to our girls. He has achieved a great balance of being the strict disciplinarian and the loving daddy that they need. He helps them with homework, he spends time with them, he listens to them and he gives them guidance with out ever being too tough on them. And he sets the perfect example of how a man should treat a woman. Just the other day my oldest daughter told me someday she hopes to find a man just like her daddy. I hope she does too.




I love you Clyde, more than you I could ever know.





What does your man/woman do that makes you love them so much?

Friday, October 3, 2014

A public flogging

(Pulled from my draft folder because I have a ton in there and never got around to finishing or publishing)

It was a beautiful day spent riding through the countryside on his motorcycle. On our way home we came across a biker bar that we had seen several times but never went in. Clyde pulled in to the parking lot and I was immediately intimidated. There were about 30-40 bikes lined up and several bikers loitering out front. I'm talking men and women with tattoos, bandanas and leather vests. You know, bad ass looking mother fuckers. I wasn't sure what we were about to walk into.

I looked at Clyde pleading with my eyes, "don't make me go in"

"One drink' he says and puts his arm around me as we walk in.

It was clear right away that the alcohol was flowing and people were feeling pretty good. Pretty quickly, people began talking to us and introducing them selves. We found a small table, sat down and ordered a drink. We played some pool, got hit on by a couple of drunk women and were having a really good time.

I was beginning to feel pretty tipsy when the band started. The lead singer was a very attractive woman and she was walking around with a flogger hanging from her back pocket.

Well unbeknownst to me, Clyde had told her it was my birthday. So halfway through their set, she called me up on stage where she pulled out her flogger and got me into position. She flogged me. Up on stage. While the whole crowd cheered her on. It was pretty exciting and I was a horny mess. When she finished, she gave me a quick kiss and sent me back to clyde.

The night continued with more drinking and dancing. We even got invited to go back to the drummers house after for some skinny dipping. I politely declined of course. By the time we left, we had made friends with nearly everyone there.

It was a really fun night!




Moral of this story:  most bikers may look scary but they are some of the nicest people you will ever meet.


Friday, September 26, 2014

My new collar






Clyde and I hit a rough patch over the summer regarding our dynamic. There wasn't much consistency and it left me feeling slightly rebellious and bratty and above all..... confused. We had many conversations about what was happening and how to get back on track. I think we both had different ideas about which direction to go. It was important to both of us for me to step back and let him lead us in the way he chooses.

I am proud to say that since I have done that, he has stepped up in a major way. He is leading our family down a path that feels very meant to be.

He is in control and I couldn't be happier.

We recently celebrated our 15 the wedding anniversary so it was a very sweet moment when he presented me with my new collar that he placed on my neck. We talked about what it meant to each of us and pledged our commitment to each other and our dynamic.

I'm not sure where this journey will take us next but I know that I have never felt more complete and more loved than I do having his collar around my neck. I feel very honored to wear this and know that I am owned by a man who loves me with all his being. Its a wonderful feeling that I will always treasure.

I find myself at different points throughout the day touching my collar and it centers me and bring a peace to my heart that is indescribable.

Its safe to say that we are back to where we want to be and having fun once again.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

How often do you have sex?

I was speaking with a friend recently and as it often happens with women, our conversation turned to sex. She was surprised to learn that Clyde and I have such an active sex life after all these years.  She admited that hers is considerably less but it got me thinking.... How often do most married couples have sex?

From everything I've read on the subject, of course, it varies greatly depending on age, kids, health, number of years married... etc. Some couples have very active sex lives while others feel lucky to get it even a couple times a year. This blew my mind. A couple times a year??

I've never fully appreciated the frequency of our sex until this very moment. Maybe I took it for granted. I'll be the first to admit that Clyde and I have always had a very active sex life. Even from day one there has been a strong sexual chemistry between us. Through kids and hard, stressful times we've always had sex at least 4 times a week, on a good week.... Daily.

Of course there are times when we become too tired or preoccupied to get down and dirty but sexual intimicy has always been a priority in our relationship.

As best i can figure out from researching online, most married couples have sex, on average, a few times a month. So me being curious, I thought I would pose this question to my spanky friends here in blogland.

So I ask, how often do you have sex?

No judgment here, just blatant curiosity. Please feel free to share as much or as little on this subject as you would like.

As it stands now, Clyde and I have had no sex, of any kind, for 5 days and I'm going crazy!  My kitty has a mind of her own and she's been left unattended for too long.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Plugged

Have you ever been plugged just before a long motorcycle ride? I had the pleasure of that experience today. And...... mmmm it was exciting!

The vibrations.

The bumps and dips along the road.

Pressing my boobs against his back.

The occasional reach around.

The rev of the engine.

The look on his face as he checked to see that I was enjoying myself.

It was an experience I won't soon forget and one I hope to have more often.

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