Clyde did something incredibly stupid. Something that broke my heart and my trust. It wasn't even two weeks after he collared me and I was blind sided and completely betrayed. I never would have expected this from him. At least not when things were so good between us. Things were better then they have ever been. I just can't wrap my head around it and I may never understand why he did it.
I did everything for him. He was my king. I gave him everything I have. All of me. I truly did everything I could to make him happy. And it wasn't enough.
That's what I keep coming back to. It wasn't enough.
We've been trying to work through this. He's trying to make things right and I'm trying to forgive him. But there's no denying that things are different. I feel different. What he did has changed me. The image of what we have built has been shattered. I feel like he has ruined everything.
He wants it all back. He wants my submission again. I can't give it to him right now. One thing I've learned is that my submission was given freely to him. In the beginning, probably even forced upon him. He didn't earn it and because of that, it wasn't appreciated. It was taken for granted. They say you don't know what you've got till its gone. He now realizes what a gift it was.
I want to give him my heart again but I can't forget the pain he caused when he had it. My head and my heart are at war with each other. My heart tells me he's sorry and he won't do it again. He loves me to much to ever risk loosing me again. But my head is telling me to protect myself from feeling this way ever again. What's the point of giving myself to him again. If it wasn't enough before, it never will be.
I Thought About leaving. I cant, I won't. A very good friend of mine told me, I made the decision to stay and I have to own it and really work on putting things back together. I'm trying, I really am. We've got a long road ahead of us.
I've discovered that sometimes good things can come from bad. Lessons have been learned. While I would never condone what he did and I hope like hell it never happens again, something kind of wonderful has come from it. An understanding and a complete turnaround. We already knew we were perfect for each other but having recent events come to light has reinforced our bond and appreciation for what we have built together.
I don't know where we go from here. I feel completely lost and broken.