Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Cravings

I've spoken here recently about the turn of events within our relationship.  I'm still sorting through feeling leftover for the betrayal and hurt that Clyde caused. Things have been fine between us. I have no doubt that we will make it through this but I'd be lying if I said there isn't something missing.

I am no longer submissive to him. I just can't get back into that headspace. I feel the need to protect my heart and cannot fully let my guard down. I fear I will always be waiting for it to happen again. I'm having a very hard time trusting the things he tells me. For the record, he did not cheat on me. Not physically anyway. But he did totally blindside me with his behavior. It was very unexpected and came at a time when things were better than they have ever been between us.

But I still have cravings and desires.  Our lives have returned to a very vanilla existence and while it's safe, it is by no  means full filling.  I miss it. I miss the way it made me feel. And I'm angry at him for taking that away from me. Being submissive to him was something I cherished far more that he did but it made me feel more alive than I have ever felt. I truly loved that side of myself and now it's locked away in a box and I'm not sure where the key is. I hate that I have built up resentment toward him for what he's done.

I want to get past this hurdle. He wants that too. He has apologized profusely for his actions and he is working to make things better. We both want to get back to where we were but we have lost the way.

Trust plays a huge part in ttwd and without it, I believe, it cannot exist. How do we get it back? How do I get past this? How do I put my heart in his hands again and begin to feel secure in our relationship again?

I know no body can answer those questions for me and most would say it just takes time.

So then how do I stop the cravings that are tearing me apart?

12 comments:

  1. Bonnie, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can appreciate the feelings. I've been there a few times with my man during the time we've been together which is now nearing our 3rd decade (I'm still shocked when I say that out loud). It's hard and not easy to move past the troubles but give it time and hopefully things will turn around and your relationship will prevail.

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  2. It's never easy but knowing that others have been here and gotten past it is inspirational. Thank you.

    xo

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  3. Bonnie. Hugs!!!

    First, I don't think the cravings can be stopped. It isn't a craving. It's you. That completeness you feel is not a craving.

    I think writing your thoughts help. It often helps to get it out and see clarity you did not see before. Keep writing.

    Have you allowed yourself to trust and let go just a little to allow Clyde to prove His words? I know this is my issue. I keep saying I need trust yet won't give just a little to confirm if my fear is valid and need more time.

    I really hope you find your way.

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    1. I think your right, being submissive truly is a part of me. I want to say that I have given Clyde a chance to prove his words to me but honestly, I haven't opened myself up to that just yet. I'm not ready. I know it will take time.

      Hugs

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  4. Hi Bonnie, I am so sorry that you are struggling that much at the moment. Lacking the trust that you need for ttwd is awful and although you need to show Clyde a way to regain your trust, the memory of what has happened will always be there. Even though ‘give it time’ sounds pretty boring, maybe this is the best route to follow and it might be worth the effort. I guess I wouldn’t know how to deal with this kind of trouble at all and just hope that you find a way through this.

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. It's funny, in my head, I know the way to get past this fairly easily but I can't give that to clyde. It has to come from him to make it right and for me to believe in it. I'm trying to be patient and allow the time to heal but I'm having a hard time with it at the moment.

      Hugs

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  5. Oh Bonnie, I am so sorry to hear this news. I wish I had some piece of advice, but I have been wondering the same thing. My husband does not want to participate in the dynamic, and I am left with the cravings. I am unsure how to deal with that.

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    1. Well here's to both of us finding our way through this Brooke.

      Hugs

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  6. ((Hugs)) Bonnie, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some advice to give other than a lot of communication and time. I really hope you two cwn find your way through this.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Oh communication, another important factor that I'm finding challenging at the moment.

      Hugs

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  7. Whenever we feel rejection, abandonment, ridicule, heartbreak or pain from other people, it can cause us to build up walls around our hearts to protect ourselves from being hurt again. These walls give us the illusion of security, but they’re really just a prison of isolation. Living well means loving well, and loving well requires healing from past hurts.

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    Replies
    1. This is a very profound comment and so very true! Thank you for giving me a new way to look at the healing process.

      Hugs

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