Thursday, May 28, 2015

I got punished

So I did something really stupid. I was feeling a bit rebellious and didn't consider clydes feelings about it. I just did what I wanted to do and that may have came off a little disrespectful toward him. OK it definitely was disrespectful and now I'm a little embarrassed that I did it. This took place a couple of weeks ago but he just found out about it yesterday.

When I came home, he sat me down and talked to me about it very calmly and let me know how I made him feel but I could tell anger was bubbling inside him. I apologized but I admit I wasn't very sincere about it and kind of brushed it off. Well he ended the conversation with a very firm statement that I will be punished for it. Huh? Excuse me? We don't do that.

Well apparently we do. After the kids had all gone upstairs to bed, he came in the room and locked the door behind him. He picked up the belt and motioned for me to get into position. I really didn't know what to expect and he didn't take it easy on me. Of course I could have said no but I think I needed it. He didn't just spank me though. In between blows, he spoke to me. He told me how I made him feel and not to forget who I belong to. He asked me if I still cared about our relationship and if I wanted to make it work. And everytime he spanked me I tried to come up and he would firmly place his hand on my back and push me back into position.

When he was done, we hugged it out while he stroked my bottom and declared his love to me in a soft voice by my ear.

I melted and I felt terrible for what I had done. He said he forgave me and that now we can move on from this. When he said those words to me in that setting it was so much more effective.

This was the first bit of dominance he has shown me in months. Well that's not true,  it's just the first bit that I have submitted to. And truth be told, I needed it and I deserved it. I think he did too. Maybe we have turned a corner, I don't know, too soon to tell but I do know I learned my lesson and won't be doing that again.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Cravings

I've spoken here recently about the turn of events within our relationship.  I'm still sorting through feeling leftover for the betrayal and hurt that Clyde caused. Things have been fine between us. I have no doubt that we will make it through this but I'd be lying if I said there isn't something missing.

I am no longer submissive to him. I just can't get back into that headspace. I feel the need to protect my heart and cannot fully let my guard down. I fear I will always be waiting for it to happen again. I'm having a very hard time trusting the things he tells me. For the record, he did not cheat on me. Not physically anyway. But he did totally blindside me with his behavior. It was very unexpected and came at a time when things were better than they have ever been between us.

But I still have cravings and desires.  Our lives have returned to a very vanilla existence and while it's safe, it is by no  means full filling.  I miss it. I miss the way it made me feel. And I'm angry at him for taking that away from me. Being submissive to him was something I cherished far more that he did but it made me feel more alive than I have ever felt. I truly loved that side of myself and now it's locked away in a box and I'm not sure where the key is. I hate that I have built up resentment toward him for what he's done.

I want to get past this hurdle. He wants that too. He has apologized profusely for his actions and he is working to make things better. We both want to get back to where we were but we have lost the way.

Trust plays a huge part in ttwd and without it, I believe, it cannot exist. How do we get it back? How do I get past this? How do I put my heart in his hands again and begin to feel secure in our relationship again?

I know no body can answer those questions for me and most would say it just takes time.

So then how do I stop the cravings that are tearing me apart?

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