Friday, November 14, 2014

Broken

I've been trying to write this post for quite some time. It's funny, I never have a problem writing about the fun, kinky, sexy stuff that happens in my life but I have a hard time getting out the real emotional stuff. So please bear with me as I pour my heart out on this page.

Clyde did something incredibly stupid. Something that broke my heart and my trust. It wasn't even two weeks after he collared me and I was blind sided and completely betrayed. I never would have expected this from him. At least not when things were so good between us. Things were better then they have ever been. I just can't wrap my head around it and I may never understand why he did it.

I did everything for him. He was my king. I gave him everything I have. All of me. I truly did everything I could to make him happy. And it wasn't enough.

That's what I keep coming back to. It wasn't enough.

We've been trying to work through this. He's trying to make things right and I'm trying to forgive him. But there's no denying that things are different. I feel different.  What he did has changed me. The image of what we have built has been shattered. I feel like he has ruined everything.

He wants it all back. He wants my submission again. I can't give it to him right now. One thing I've learned is that my submission was given freely to him. In the beginning, probably even forced upon him. He didn't earn it and because of that, it wasn't appreciated.  It was taken for granted. They say you don't know what you've got till its gone. He now realizes what a gift it was.

I want to give him my heart again but I can't forget the pain he caused when he had it. My head and my heart are at war with each other. My heart tells me he's sorry and he won't do it again. He loves me to much to ever risk loosing me again. But my head is telling me to protect myself from feeling this way ever again. What's the point of giving myself to him again. If it wasn't enough before, it never will be.

I Thought About leaving. I cant, I won't.  A very good friend of mine told me, I made the decision to stay and I have to own it and really work on putting things back together. I'm trying, I really am. We've got a long road ahead of us.

I've discovered that sometimes good things can come from bad. Lessons have been learned. While I would never condone what he did and I hope like hell it never happens again, something kind of wonderful has come from it. An understanding and a complete turnaround. We already knew we were perfect for each other but having recent events come to light has reinforced our bond and appreciation for what we have built together.

I don't know where we go from here. I feel completely lost and broken.

We are broken but not beyond repair.


15 comments:

  1. Hi hon. I don't know you personally and I don't know your situation or what you may be facing with your partner, but one thing in your post struck me really hard, and I felt like I needed to comment. You do not HAVE to stay with your partner, if your husband did something that was unforgivable in your eyes and that shattered your trust of him, do not feel like you made your bed. Get out. I've had my fair share of bad experiences in partners--cheating, abuse, etc, and there is no one but you who can make the choice to leave or stay. I hope that you and your husband find peace and understanding like you wish to, and I wish you all the best!

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  2. Kudos for you Bonnie in wanting & struggling to get past this. To try to work thru it.

    Maybe it's a case of self-sabotage on Clyde's part. Things are too perfect, wonderful, the best thing ever & subconsciously he thought maybe he didn't deserve such an amazing life? I have done that to myself on more than one occasion and I know others who have done it to. I am not saying it as an excuse but maybe something for him to think about??

    I wish you both all the luck & hopefully you can rebuild in to something stronger.

    (((hugs)))

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  3. Bonnie,

    My heart broke for you as I read this and I really wanted to reach out and send you a private message but couldn't find your email. I can only imagine what it is that has broken your trust in him. I know it took a lot of courage to put it out here. We are here for you. Many hugs and kisses.

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  4. Your submission was a gift that he obviously didn't appreciate. Now he has to earn it back, it is something that has to be earned and he has to put on his big boy pants and fix his mistake.

    I feel for you having to live through this break of trust and know how hard it must be to get past. Hugs.

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  5. I have no proper words.

    As submissives, we give our full heart, unlocked to our partner. I can not imagine the confusion and pain you must be feeling. Keep blogging this out Bonnie, even if you don't post them. Let your emotions flow out un-censored.

    ((Hugs)) to you my friend.
    XOXO Pearl

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  6. Hi Bonnie. This whole thing sounds like it sucks, and I'm sorry it happened to you. I want to echo Brittany. You sound like you're trying to talk yourself into staying because it's what you feel you should do, not because it's what you want to do. If my little sister told me your story I'd tell her to leave.

    If you stay, you don't "owe" him your submission. He doesn't deserve it. Don't put that trust in him again until you feel you're ready.

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  7. Bonnie, I am so sorry that something like this has happened to you. It takes time to heal and can only do so, when both are able to let things heal. From what you wrote, both of you want that healing, and I hope you two can make it. You must be so confused from these events, and nevertheless, I’d say your friend is right, you have already decided to stay and have to work on putting things back together. Maybe you can bring head and heart together again, along the road, well actually you are already doing so, because you see that your bond and the appreciation of what you have built has grown. I do hope so much that you get through this together.
    Hey, you say you cannot write well about the emotional stuff (I know what you mean, I do it the same way), but your disappointment and hurt are so obvious and I am glad that you put it into words. If anything, it helps to get a clearer picture of what’s going on. And I am glad about your last line, because this is something full of hope!

    big hugs

    Nina

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  8. Bonnie, I am so sorry this has happened. I feel for you and hope the two of you can work through it together and work to rebuilding trust. It will take time and that trust has to be earnt.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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  9. (((HUGS))) Rebuilding trust, forgiving, these are thing that will take time and much talking. I hope you can find the way forward and mend your relationship.

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  10. Awwww, Bonnie, I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. You're right, he lost your trust and it's going to take a LOT of work to regain it. Kudos for not leaving him, but that doesn't mean he gets all access.
    A couple that I know went through something similar. She asked him to move out of their bed. They started all over again. They started dating and after weeks they were sharing the same bed and were being intimate.
    So Bonnie, don't rush back into trusting him again. There is no rush. Take your time, mourn, heal, forgive, etc. and you're right, it's going to take a lot of work from both of you.
    Thoughts are with you. Drop me a line if you need to. Hugs

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  11. Trust issues are so difficult to overcome but while it will take time, it's possible See you wish you the best. Big Hugs to you. Jackie

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  12. Hey Bonnie - I really am sorry for what you are going through - but I love what you said. "We are broken but not beyond repair" That is a profound statement and I'm so glad that you are at least at that point. Yes it may be a long and hard road to rebuild what you had, but we really do gain so much when we've come through something so awful. Let us know how you are doing.
    hugs,
    Cali

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  13. So sorry that you are going through this experience but I guess the one positive is that it is not broken beyond repair. Good luck on repairing it.

    FD

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  14. i fee sorry for what happened to you.
    i honestly believe that there is a good reason for everything that happens.
    sometimes it is very hard to see at first.
    sometimes it takes years until the good outcome is revealed.
    real trust has to be earned that is a fact.
    you gave him your trust he has broken it.
    if he is strong and patient enogh to earn your trust and if you want to give him the chance to earn it then you two have the chance to come closer in so many ways than you may not see now.

    don't forgive. don't forget. work together untill you find peace with what happened.
    at some point you can find peace in the thought that it was one of the reasons that made you go down whatever path you choose.

    make peace with the past so your future isn't a constant battle.

    S

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  15. Thank you all for your word of support. I really appreciate it.

    Hugs to you all.

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