We have discovered that a lot of what we wanted to implement into our daily life was just not possible while raising a family. It certainly isn't easy to redefine our relationship after many, many years together. So we kind of took a break from D/s. It wasn't a mutual decision, he just stopped, which left me feeling very confused. I still remained submissive in my actions but I no longer felt it in my heart. We went back to just being our normal, vanilla selves with some hot and satisfying sex thrown in for good measure.
The loss of our dynamic was hard for me to deal with. Of course, I was still getting spanked from time to time, but vanilla had crept into our life in a big way. I still wanted more from him but as time has gone on, I've done a lot of thinking.
Maybe I pushed him too hard too fast. He told me that he started to feel as though I didn't like him for who he was and tried too hard change him instead of accepting him as he is.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I love him completely and unconditionally. I have for nearly my entire life. Clyde is a great husband and he never leaves any doubt in my mind about what he feels for me. He may not always say the words I want to hear but its always there, in his actions. He takes very good care of our family and I'm a lucky woman to have such a good man.
When we started spanking 2 years ago, it came really easily for us and we both found something that fulfilled a need within ourselves. My submission went hand in hand with becoming a spanked wife. It felt very natural for me but I felt I had to put in a lot of effort to bring out his dominant side when I should have let him find it on his own.
I had an idea in my head about what a dominant should be like and I tried to make him into that. Looking back now, I may not have always done that in a positive way. I wanted him to lead and I wanted him to be in control but I never truly let him have the reins.
I see now how that must have been very confusing for him. I had spent years trying to defy his control and possession. I had been told all my life how unhealthy it was in a relationship. I felt it made me look weak to allow him so much power.When I discovered ttwd and read real life stories here in the land of blogs, I was instantly inspired and those walls came down. After doing a lot of research into D/s, I felt he was a natural Dom and would take to it easily.
Of course, some aspects he did but others he struggled with. I didn't allow him time to really find his footing naturally. We talked a lot in the beginning about what we (I) wanted from this. Bless him, he was along for the ride.
Somewhere along the way we became comfortable in ttwd but I still wanted more. Instead of savoring what we had accomplished together, I pushed. We had fallen in love with each other in a whole new way. The spark was back, the passion is back and we communicate better than we ever have before. So,why did I have to push?
Well I guess it all comes back to the image I had in my head. That, along with comparing our relations to those I read about was detrimental to our dynamic.
So after taking a step back and reexamining ttwd, we have come to the conclusion that it has become a very important part of us. He misses it just as much as I do. He likes how cherished my submission has made him feel and he certainly doesn't want to loose that and neither do I. We are too invested in this way of life for us to go back to where we were. It has been very eye opening for both of us. I'm even to the point now that I'm very grateful that he pulled back because it allowed me to see the error of my ways.
I have let go of the Dom in my head and learned to just be more in the moment and content with what we have. I realize he can't lead if I'm telling him which way to go.
Very slowly D/s is creeping back into our lives. We are taking baby steps to assure that we are both getting what we need from this thing we do.
It feels like a new beginning, a second chance, and that is very exciting. My Mater has begun to reemerge and I have vowed not to force our path but allow him to steer us around the roadblock and take us in the direction we need to go.