Thursday, April 17, 2014

Trying again

Clyde and I have hit a road block. I'm still not exactly sure when it happened or why but our dynamic changed. I suppose you could say, life has gotten in the way.



We have discovered that a lot of what we wanted to implement into our daily life was just not possible while raising a family. It certainly isn't easy to redefine our relationship after many, many years together.  So we kind of took a break from D/s. It wasn't a mutual decision, he just stopped, which left me feeling very confused. I still remained submissive in my actions but I no longer felt it in my heart. We went back to just being our normal, vanilla selves with some hot and satisfying sex thrown in for good measure.

The loss of our dynamic was hard for me to deal with. Of course, I was still getting spanked from time to time, but vanilla had crept into our life in a big way. I  still wanted more from him but as time has gone on, I've done a lot of thinking.

Maybe I pushed him too hard too fast. He told me that he started to feel as though I didn't like him for who he was and tried too hard change him instead of accepting him as he is.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I love him completely and unconditionally. I have for nearly my entire life. Clyde is a great husband and he never leaves any doubt in my mind about what he feels for me. He may not always say the words I want to hear but its always there, in his actions. He takes very good care of our family and I'm a lucky woman to have such a good man.

When we started spanking 2 years ago, it came really easily for us and we both found something that fulfilled a need within ourselves. My submission went hand in hand with becoming a spanked wife. It felt very natural for me but I felt I had to put in a lot of effort to bring out his dominant side when I should have let him find it on his own.

I had an idea in my head about what a dominant should be like and I tried to make him into that. Looking back now, I may not have always done that in a positive way.  I wanted him to lead and I wanted him to be in control but I never truly let him have the reins.

I see now how that must have been very confusing for him. I had spent years trying to defy his control and possession. I had been told all my life how unhealthy it was in a relationship. I felt it made me look weak to allow him so much power.When I discovered ttwd and read real life stories here in the land of blogs, I was instantly inspired and those walls came down.   After doing a lot of research into D/s, I felt he was a natural Dom and would take to it easily.  

Of course, some aspects he did but others he struggled with. I didn't allow him time to really find his footing naturally. We talked a lot in the beginning about what we (I) wanted from this. Bless him, he was along for the ride.

Somewhere along the way we became comfortable in ttwd but I still wanted more. Instead of savoring what we had accomplished together, I pushed. We had fallen in love with each other in a whole new way. The spark was back, the passion is back and we communicate better than we ever have before. So,why did I have to push?

Well I guess it all comes back to the image I had in my head. That, along with comparing our relations to those I read about was detrimental to our dynamic.

So after taking a step back and reexamining ttwd, we have come to the conclusion that it has become a very important part of us. He misses it just as much as I do. He likes how cherished my submission has made him feel and he certainly doesn't want to loose that and neither do I. We are too invested in this way of life for us to go back to where we were. It has been very eye opening for both of us. I'm even to the point now that I'm very grateful that he pulled back because it allowed me to see the error of my ways.

I have let go of the Dom in my head and learned to just be more in the moment and content with what we have. I realize he can't lead if I'm telling him which way to go.

Very slowly D/s is creeping back into our lives. We are taking baby steps to assure  that we are both getting what we need from this thing we do.

It feels like a new beginning, a second chance, and that is very exciting. My Mater has begun to reemerge and I have vowed not to force our path but allow him to steer us around the roadblock and take us in the direction we need to go.



8 comments:

  1. Hi Bonnie, I think what you write is awesome. I mean the willingness to let your husband lead and the acceptance from your side that has grown so much. Since my hubby and I have always believed in talking to each other, I am pretty sure that your way of communication runs deep and is a clear signal of a lovely mutual connection. There will always be situations that appear difficult, but since you have seen that your D/s part of life is so important and adds so much to your relationship, I am so sure that you will find ways to cope with any bump in the road.

    hugs

    Nina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have both grown so much on this journey. Our relationship is by no means perfect so we are learning to overcome the obstacles.

      xo

      Delete
  2. Wow, Bonnie. This was so honestly written. So much sole searching…so much introspection. It is so hard to figure out what works for a couple…not just a single person, especially after years of things being different. I can completely relate…Sir and I have been where you are. But there IS something different about TTWD…there is something different. For us, it's worth the work and worth the experience…to have the closeness, the electric energy still in our marriage after decades…it's a gift.

    Thank you so much for sharing. I wish you so much luck. I also know exactly what you mean by the stereotypes about submission and women. Since being on blogland, I've also read about how there is strength in submission. You are a wise, strong, loving woman…you are both lucky!

    hugs,
    fiona

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Fiona, thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I had a hard time writing this post. I really wanted to share the struggle we are experiencing because I knew there would be someone who could relate. To know that you and your Sir have been where we are is very inspiring . I sincerely hope Clyde and I can grow into the connection that you two share. I agree, it is so worth the amount of work that ttwd brings.

      Big hugs!!

      Delete
  3. I think the reason we have these inevitable difficulties in TTWD is because we (husband and wife D/s, M/s, etc.) are so devoted to each other. I think the typical couple might just let the relationship dissolve. This lifestyle puts the couple first. Maybe we do spend too much time worrying about how things should be but we are still focusing on the relationship and trying to make figure out how to make things work for both people. Just my two cents.
    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I totally relate to this post. Going through the same thing over here just without the hot sex part. I hope you can figure out what works!

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  5. The one thing I admire most about this post (and many others in this "land") is your ability to self-reflect, evaluate, and truly acknowledge what YOU have done or need to change. It's the only way to truly grow as an individual...in any aspects of our lives. My husband spoils me rotten. Gives and does for me always (im currently waiting on the meal he put in the slowcooker for me before HE left for work so I could just relax when I got home) :) ..but he also knows that I like him strong/dominant...baby me, but don't take my crap..I have to remind myself often that to build on that/reinforce it I need to respond to his little cues as well as the big ones. Give him the confidence that comes with heading the "eyebrows"...the quiet"enough"...&with that confidence emerges an even stronger man (who spanks:) )...cause I do push it...lol...but its the little things that reinforce a strong relationship...even more so with this dynamic.I give him more power when I respond to him when he exerts less of it...does that make sense? ...any ways...you are brave in your honesty and in making this about improving YOU...only positive can come from that. Xo

    ReplyDelete
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