WARNING this post is a bunch of late night rambling that won't brighten your day. Proceed with caution or move on to happier blogs.
Its late at night and I can't sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I thought I should write them down and get them out.
I don't know what is going on with me but my spirit just took a nose dive. Seriously, a crash landing. I loved myself a week ago. Now I'm full of self loathing.
Why? You may ask....
Here's the list:
I feel extremely guilty for not having a job. I haven't had a job for many, many years. I worked at a few places over the years at Christmas time or just when we needed financial help. I'm 32 years old and have never had a full time job. How sad is that? I want one but I had kids young and never had the chance to go to college. I had big dreams of being a teacher and an athletic coach. That didn't happen. Now I feel inadequate. I don't even know where to begin.
We haven't had much play time. Because of that my sex drive is diminishing. I'm finding out that I'm the kind of girl who need constant reassurances and ego stroking to keep the fire going. I don't want to be that girl.
I've gained about 10 lbs. over the last few months and I feel so fat and ugly. That may not sound like much but I'm not a big girl and it shows. I also feel like this is part of the reason why Clyde is "too tired". Probably not but it feels like rejection.
I have a ton of mom guilt. Its summertime and my kids are driving me crazy. I shouldn't feel like this. I know my children are a gift and I love them more than life itself. But I am tired of being a referee between my twins and my youngest. Its too hot here to go out and do much so we stay home a lot and I feel guilty that we are wasting their summer.
From time to time I have doubts about my marriage. Did we marry too young? Am I the right woman for him? Is he the right man for me? Are we together for the right reasons? Am I making him into someone he's not? Why would he want to be with me?
I think my blog sucks. I love writing and meeting people in blogland has been such an eye opener. I really like blogging but again I feel inadequate. There are some really smart, funny, loving people here and I feel like I'm on the outside trying to push my way in. Why would anyone want to read about my life. I'm really not that interesting.
I absolutely HATE feeling like this. I'm not this girl. Usually I have a smile on my face and can find a silver lining in any cloud.
Gosh, I even feel guilty for writing this. What is wrong with me?
I haven't talked to anyone about the way I've been feeling. I just keep it to myself. Why bother anyone else with things I need to fix about myself?
Do you know what I feel like I need? A good spanking, a lecture and a plan of action...... OR maybe just some love and understanding.
If only I could give those to myself....