Thursday, August 1, 2013

Guilt and self loathing

WARNING this post is a bunch of late night rambling that won't brighten your day. Proceed with caution or move on to happier blogs.

Its late at night and I can't sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I thought I should write them down and get them out.

I don't know what is going on with me but my spirit just took a nose dive. Seriously, a crash landing. I loved myself a week ago. Now I'm full of self loathing.

Why? You may ask....

Here's the list:

I feel extremely guilty for not having a job. I haven't had a job for many, many years. I worked at a few places over the years at Christmas time or just when we needed financial help. I'm 32 years old and have never had a full time job. How sad is that? I want one but I had kids young and never had the chance to go to college. I had big dreams of being a teacher and an athletic coach. That didn't happen. Now I feel inadequate. I don't even know where to begin.

We haven't had much play time. Because of that my sex drive is diminishing.  I'm finding out that I'm the kind of girl who need constant reassurances and ego stroking to keep the fire going. I don't want to be that girl.

I've gained about 10 lbs. over the last few months and I feel so fat and ugly. That may not sound like much but I'm not a big girl and it shows. I also feel like this is part of the reason why Clyde is "too tired". Probably not but it feels like rejection.

I have a ton of mom guilt. Its summertime and my kids are driving me crazy. I shouldn't feel like this. I know my children are a gift and I love them more than life itself. But I am tired of being a referee between my twins and my youngest. Its too hot here to go out and do much so we stay home a lot and I feel guilty that we are wasting their summer.

From time to time I have doubts about my marriage. Did we marry too young? Am I the right woman for him?  Is he the right man for me? Are we together for the right reasons? Am I making him into someone he's not?  Why would he want to be with me?

I think my blog sucks. I love writing and meeting people in blogland has been such an eye opener. I really like blogging but again I feel inadequate. There are some really smart, funny, loving people here and I feel like I'm on the outside trying to push my way in. Why would anyone want to read about my life. I'm really not that interesting.


I absolutely HATE feeling like this. I'm not this girl. Usually I have a smile on my face and can find a silver lining in any cloud.

Gosh, I even feel guilty for writing this.  What is wrong with me?

I haven't talked to anyone about the way I've been feeling. I just keep it to myself. Why bother anyone else with things I need to fix about myself?

Do you know what I feel like I need? A good spanking, a lecture and a plan of action...... OR maybe just some love and understanding.

If only I could give those to myself....

16 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're hurting at the moment. I too have suffered with the middle of the night worries and guilt trips. Many of things keeping you awake, keep me awake too.
    Please don't feel like you're on the outside, you're very much here with us and I love reading your blog, whatever you choose to write.
    as for spanking, I'm waiting too.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Here's to hoping we both get that spanking soon!
      Thanks DF

      Hugs

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  2. I only started following your blog recently, but you know what...this here..that you wrote makes me glad i do...not because i revel in people going through a difficult time etc lol but because its real, its raw and its reassuring to know that those that read this know they are not alone.

    Because i bet you there is something here someone can relate to on some level, i can, i had my children young, but rather than me feeling guilty that i didnt work, i have pangs of guilt because i did.....too much...i missed out on so much of their early years...and i cant get that back!

    Try to focus on the positives you have in your life..yeah i know easier said than done!

    x

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    1. Hi Tori, thanks for your advice. It means more to me than you know. I guess mom guilt runs deep no matter which decision is made. I will try to focus on the positive.

      Hugs

      Delete
  3. All of us feel like this at different times. You are not alone. Whenever our partner is too tired we blame it on our appearance or a rejection of some part of who we are. Talk to Clyde I am sure he will reassure you.
    As to blogging...you do not want to be like everyone else. Your personal perspective is what is important! Keep being you!

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    1. Its good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I love your words of wisdom. Thank you Minelle :)

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  4. Ok - first applauding your post. Like tori, I too am glad you posted this. It is real. And I am positive there are others feeling this (or have felt this). I for one. I think it's called Life While Being A Wife and Mom....

    So you said you feel guilty that you don't have job. Make no mistake, you work. Mom's work very hard! There are pros and cons to having kids while you're young. Just think how young you'll be when they leave the house. You can Clyde will have tons of time to do things together. And you can always go back to school when the kids get a little older and are in school themselves. Or not. Maybe you can find a great part time (or full time) job that offers on the job training. You are not alone. There are a lot of people who don't have college educations - it's ok. :)

    You also said you haven't had much play time. It's hard to find the time when jobs, kids, fatigue, etc get in the way. The key is to cease the opportunity. Take advantage when there is that "moment." Also put forth the effort to make the time. I know it's hard. But it'll be worth it. Maybe get the kids in bed and set up a carpet picnic. Or have a special dessert with him. No electronics, just the 2 of you talking and maybe (?) it'll lead to play. Go for evening walks around the neighborhood (this is one that the kids can come too) hold hands, chat. Tire the kids out :)

    I understand about the weight gain. But 10 pounds isn't too much. You can lose that in no time. Come on, I'll help ya! :)

    Mom guilt - yep, every mom has it. Just because we love our kids an insane amount doesn't mean they can't drive us nuts! Being kept inside is hard. So get online and see if you can find some activities to do with them. Color with them, play Candyland with them. Maybe take them to the library (with a/c). We have a mall that has an indoor play area - is that an option for you? When all else fails, put a movie on for them for "quiet" time. It's ok. Being a mom is tough and it isn't easy. Some days are certainly better and easier than others. For those rough days, declare it jammie day. Where no one gets dressed and you eat junk all day. The next day, start it all over again. Hang in there. Rid yourself of mom guilt. You are a good mom. You are doing very well raising these kids. You are not failing them!

    Doubts about your marriage. There is no sense in wondering if you married too you, if you had kids too young, are you right for each other, are you together for the right reasons? All of these questions are things that you will get no where answering. The important thing is you ARE together. It IS working. Does it take work to make it work? Absolutely. But it's working. Just keep on working.
    Why does he want to be with you? Ask him. He'll tell you. Then tell him why you want to be with him. :)

    Your blog does not suck! It's a great place to read. You write real and that is what so many people like. You have quite a few followers so you must be doing something right!

    Sometimes it's ok to keep things in and paste on a happy face. Sometimes that helps. Other times it's best to vent it out. But I caution you to not feed into this for very long. That is a downward spiral that you don't want to be on. I encourage you to talk to Clyde. Share these things with him. Explain to him what you want and need (spanking, plan, love, etc). I'm sure he'll be more than happy to help you out.

    Hang in there. Keep on keeping on. It'll get better. :)
    Hugs!!!

    Sarah

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    1. Oh Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, what can I say? You. Are. Awesome. "Life while being a wife and mom" I suppose is a good way to put it. It really is good to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. For some reason things always feel so much more dramatic in the dead of night. Lol. You have given me some fantastic suggestion that I take to heart. I can't thank you enough for your kind words.

      I used to be a distance runner (before kids) so believe me when I say I wish you lived close so I could run with you. Though you might have to come back and pick me up after the first mile. Lol

      Thank you, thank you

      Hugs

      Delete
  5. While i just now discovered your blog, I don't think it sucks, and I think that we have a few things in common:
    Minds that do bad things when they should be sleeping.
    A feeling of inadequacy related to working.
    And putting on ten pounds over the course of a few months (I have to admit, that really does suck).
    I home-school my kids and they drive me up the wall 3/4 of the time.

    Here's the thing though, it's life. Right? Not everything works out like we wanted or thought it should. And that's okay! It's only when our mind is out to get us late at night that these things become so big and bad.

    And I haven't read much here, but I am going to venture that your blog doesn't suck--because it's honest. Life isn't always great. The blogs I definitely have no interest in reading are the ones where everything is always rainbows and sunshine. Maybe I'm too much of a cynic, but I like a nice dose of reality with my reading.

    In my personal experience, late night thinking is no ones friend. Get some sleep, tomorrow is a new day!

    Anyways, sorry for showing up out of nowhere and rambling on like I think I know what I'm talking about lol.
    Hope tomorrow is better!

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  6. Hi Lil. Its great to hear from you. You can show up out of nowhere anytime!

    Yes, it is life. I just wish my brain had an off switch. It must be a woman thing. I couldn't imagine a man staying up with worry or guilt. Its nice to know others go through the same thing. Misery loves company right?!

    Thank you for your perspective.

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  7. Hey Bonnie,

    I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I applaud you for posting this. This is your blog, for you to write your thoughts and feelings and it is real. Please don't feel as though you are on the outside. You are most definitely here with us and very much a part of this community.

    You are certainly not alone in your feelings. I think we all go through similar feelings of guilt etc at various times. I know I have.

    As for feeling rejected. As Minelle said, talk to Clyde. I'm sure he will reassure you. it is hard when work and life stresses get in the way. Seize any opportunities you can for alone time to connect.

    You have some great advice above. I hope things feel brighter soon and that you are able to see the positives.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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  8. Hi Roz,

    I'm always my own worst critic but things are slowly getting better for me.

    Clyde and I are actually taking a little trip, just the two of us, this weekend to reconnect.

    I really appreciate your kind words and thank you for making me feel accepted in this blogging community!

    Hugs

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  9. Aww, Bonnie. I love your blog! I have been away from blogland for a little while but I've always enjoyed reading your posts and yours is one of the first I've checked since starting to read again. So I hope you know that your blog is great! It definitely does not suck.

    I think many situations have their guilt. I do work full-time but often feel like, "How could I do my job better...how come I am here and not HERE...why can't I find more time to do THIS instead of working..." etc. So it isn't just you and I think there is no perfect way to be. But you are providing for your family in other ways by taking care of them and I'm sure they know that. I think it's admirable that you can take a hard look at yourself and admit what you don't like -- that takes guts. But I hope you can see the good in it, too.

    ((((((hugs)))))) I hope you feel better soon!

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  10. Thank you Riley that's very sweet of you. Your right there is no perfect way to be and maybe thats what I'm striving for. I know, IMPOSSIBLE. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I think I should be doing that I have a herd time living in the moment. But I'm working on accepting all my imperfections and loving myself anyway.

    XOXO

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  11. I just found your blog. This mirrors what I've gone thru. Your blog definitely. does. not. suck.

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  12. Thank you BE! I'm glad you stopped by and let me know you were here.

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